Prisoner of Love

I’m gonna tell you the truth
I chose an unforeseeable painful path
and you came to support me
You’re the only one I can call a friend

Fake displays of strength and avarice have become meaningless
I’ve been in love with you since that day
When I’m free, with time to spare, there’s no life in being alone
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Oh… Just a little more
Don’t you give up
Oh don’t ever abandon me
If the cruelty of reality tries to tear us apart
We’ll be drawn more closely to one another
Somehow, somehow, I have a feeling we’ll be able to stand firm
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love
(Prisoner of love, Utada Hikaru 2008)

So I finally able to meet you, after years of waiting in line to have a chance to see you in person. you said that.

Wow. I was stunned and captivated by the idea of a very patient gentleman. That idea created rapidly on my own ideal imagination. The funny thing about woman is, they have a very imaginative brain and rapidly built imaginary characters just based on first impression. Intuition, folks called it.

Then our story is stranded. How heroic, understanding you are to me record as the best gentleman ever in my life. You were my best man. The way you held my hand is like a shield that would protect me from any bad thing that will hurt me. How amazing what a hand hold could comfort me from anything in this world. You are just like a white knight that saved Snow White and made every of her dream come true. You were man of man, the finest man that woman will easily falling for your gentleness.

Later some time, you said that you love me. I was moved with your sincerity. Once again, I am just a girl who can't resist the emotional confession, just like in movie. That time, I don't really know what I felt toward you, but I know for sure I'd love to beloved by you.

I was like a movie reel. We used to be together every where. You my number one list as top caller and being called. You were occupied almost my half day every day, and almost every single space on my mind. You were the first thing that come across in my mind at the morning when I wake up, and last thing before I go to bed. Even in my dream, you were there.

How wonderful a habit has lead us into a very deep relationship. We were inseparable. I can not live without you, neither do you.

So the love cycle was begun. First I know your name, I know you are in person, I record your character based on first impression, we occupied our day each other, I am falling for you, I said I love you, I can't stay far away from you, I cannot live without you, and it become painful.

May be I am like any other typically girl. My brilliant academic record really not related with my brilliant relationship experience. I wish I knew you. In fact I am not.

After you took my spare time, slowly you took away my community, my best friends, my (destructive) hobbies according to you, and I lost my parent. Like a day, my day is without night when I don't see anyone except you. I might feel fine but very restless.

You were my bright sun and I was sun flower which always looking upon you and withered without you. You said that one day I will be alone because I don't have any faithful friend and will leave me for their priorities, and there will be only one person whom stand by me and it will be you.

I take that as unbreakable vow to encourage me living just you and me in this world.
Firstly, you started control my friends, Then my routines, then my choice. I don't have any freedom to choose what I want. Every decisions shall considered as our decision. In the name of love, you said.

And then I remembered how you beat me up with your harsh word every time we started to fight. You were always accusing me betray you. Every male friend is considered as third wheel to runaway from you.

I was terrified. Afraid of losing your faith, moreover losing you and I will be all alone.
I was scared to see my future without you. You were my world, the only world that I knew.

So I complied with you.No socializing, no talking with strangers, not going anywhere unless with you, and If I really should going somewhere, I should report it to you every freaking hour. I was just scared if you are mad with me and moreover should listen to your harsh words.

But, in my mind you are the sweetest person I ever met. I won't forget that.

I am really a prisoner, caught up physically and beat up mentally. Deep down I cherish my self that our relationship is not only content with my fear, but ton of happiness, mountain of laugh, and stream down of love.

When every time I think I will give up, I remember how sensitive you are with my needs, how I am really taken care by you, how we are a very best mate, how you touch my heart, and made me feel the luckiest girl alive.

Once I think Is it worth it? But every time I saw your smile, it all vanished in second. Look how powerful my love blunt my logic.

Then, we started to fight every day. I don't know why but every my decision that not involved you, made you angry. I always think that this is my limit every time I cried for almost 2 hours. But when you hugged me, I automatically pushed out my limit.

One day I cut my artery just to make you stop shut at me.

Bleeding and then I realized, limit is set by my self. My own courage is the greatest power to say stop to this condition.

I never thought that I turns out become the fool woman who beat up badly but still love her couple,just like in the news. The sad thing is, It is not about the fool, but the courage to re-love my self.

So I said stop. Stop abuse me with your harsh words. Stop putting me in my darkest every time I am not without you, stop prisoned me in the name of love, stop to stopping me get my lite, and top of all stop to make me feel as nothing.

The day when I finally leave you, I might be loosing my world, but I finally get my pride back.

I remember you said: " there is no one will love you anymore, you will be alone because all of your friends already gone and then you will be crying out loud and looking for me again. That time, I will be right here waiting for you."

That words took me a moment to realize how you seen me after all this time. I am just your belonging pet.
It will like a television drama, there will be no ending. After leaving, the crawling for your love.
The fact is I am the only one director of my own drama series. If I said the end, there will be no sequel. I decided.
Smiled, I reply you: "No worries, I already have a very deep relationship with my self before I met you. If there is no one will love me, there is will be me, my long term relationship, that loved me more than you do, so i won't beg for come back."

Teared up, ripped out, I finally get my pride back.
The hardest part about move on is not about forgiving you for the traumatic moment, but forgiving my self that have been tricked with my manipulative intuitions. Forgiving my self for choosing wrong person, and stop regretting.

I am no longer your prisoner of love.

Jakarta, November 6th, 2012

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